It is said that funerals are for the living, to solemnly remember those we love and to say our final goodbyes. The OsmOne and I attended a funeral recently of a young lady we had only met twice; first at my daughter's wedding and the second during new year's when her small family stayed at our home. It is because of these minimal interactions with this little family that I am lost as to why I feel so drawn. Drawn enough to travel out of state to attend her funeral.
I guess I had to see for myself that Jenn's hubby and two children were OK. Of course everyone stated that they were, but how could they possibly be OK after their experience? Really. So this will be a very long post as I try to write the experiences I had, and the feelings and thoughts that go with them. It isn't necessary for anyone to read this. It is just important that I process the impact this experience had on me.
We arrived in town late in the evening and arrived at our motel at the same time Tigger and The Actor arrived. They were going swimming. Considering that it was somewhat late in the evening, with the funeral scheduled for the next morning, I thought it odd that they chose to go swimming. It turned out that Jenn's parents were staying in the same motel, as well as The Actor's mother. When they were done swimming, Tigger came to my room and was talking about some of the things she had observed and the things she was currently feeling. It appeared to me that she just needed to process what was happening for her. This was her introduction to losing someone close to you in an unexpected way, so I listened for a long time.
The next morning, we found family gathering in the lobby of the motel, but since we didn't know anyone other than The Actor's mother, we did not stay. We went to the chapel and were quickly grabbed by Bryson's sweet Grandmother. 'Oh no, no, no. You need to come this way. The family is down this hall." And we were escorted to the relief society room where a large gathering of family were saying their final goodbyes. I noticed my daughter sitting on the far side of the room and moved that direction when Bryson stood to greet us. I noticed the bruising on his nose, which was likely broken, and the blood that still filled his right eye. But he could smile, and he could move, and he was here. He was OK; brokenhearted and now a single parent, but he was OK.
"I'm so sorry," I told him as I kissed his cheek. (Yea, that was outside my bubble, but it felt right.) Bryson said he took my advice and saw his sweetheart one more time. I was so proud of him, and glad for him. I knew she would be dressed in her LDS burial clothing and had told my daughter that seeing Jenn prepared for their temple blessings would be a much nicer way to remember Jenn, rather than his memory of seeing her amidst the rubble of their accident.
We took our seats and then I observed Jenn and Bryson's daughter, Sage go to The Actor and Tigger. I knelt in front of The Actor while he held her and said hello to this gorgeous little girl. She does not remember me, but I expected this. I asked if she picked her dress. It was very pretty, (navy blue with white designs.) I told her that her hair was beautiful and just how her mommy would like it. I was reassured when I saw no markings on her. None at all. What a blessing!
I went to introduce myself to Jenn's mom. She is so beautiful and Jenn looks very much like her. I told her she had a beautiful daughter. She said she is even more beautiful now. I wasn't sure exactly what she was referring to, but determined that it was something only a Mom could reflect. The Actor's older brother came to give the OsmOne and I hugs. I went to The Actor's father and let him know I did not mean to ignore him. (he was somewhat stuck in the row of seats behind Bryson) One more older brother approached us and we shared hugs with him too.
We line up to enter the chapel, but purposely wait until everyone else had queued up. Jenn's dad spoke about how Jenn was their little sunshine. He stated he was actually surprised Bryson followed through and married her, which brought chuckles from those who knew the inside story, which I am not privy to but found it humorous anyway. Jenn never had a mean word to say about anyone. Her dad shared a story of when he provided Jenn and a couple of other girls transportation home from the mall, or wherever they had been that day, and the other girls were talking badly about a girl from school. One of them turned to Jenn and asked, "What do you think Jenn, you are awful quiet."
"Well, I kinda like her." Then Jenn proceeded to tell the girls those things she liked about the girl and before long the other girls were talking more positively about the young lady as well. Jenn couldn't be mad at anybody, except maybe her sister. Her father also stated how pure the courtship was between Bryson and Jenn. They had truly kept Christ at the center of their relationship.
Jenn's mom talked from the spirit and felt that Jenn would want us to come together, to help and support each other. She stated that she had not fallen apart yet, but she had her moments. She reflected on the past week and stated that one time Sage came up to her and raised her arm into the air and with a flip of her wrist she said "No more crying." I had seen Jenn do that exact maneuver, but she said, "no more whining."
The Actor's oldest brother spoke about how he was legally afforded the title of being Jenn's brother, but we are all spiritual brothers and sisters. He also smiled as he stated, "This is not a tragedy! She lives!" (and I thought, how could he say that? I am sure Jenn was just as shocked as Bryson and the children. Although she finds herself among friends and family members who have awaited her arrival, she is experiencing loss as well-- the loss of raising her children to adulthood. Certainly it is a tragedy for her husband and two small children. Particularly her little boy, who at 10 months is unlikely to be able to recall his mother.) That is my own 'take' on that comment, others may have felt comfort by it--I know, I am different. Shira Cousins sang a beautiful renditon of Heavenly Father--Are You Really There? such an emotional piece, which caused Jenn's Mom to openly cry and also caused large tears to cascade down my own cheeks.
I remember the very first time I heard this song. It was performed by a husband and wife in our ward. The wife stood at one side of the chapel, and the husband stood on the other side. They sang their solos from separate sides of the chapel and then when they sing together, the husband and wife had gathered at the pulpit. I remember having to leave the chapel because I was sobbing. It was during a very dark period of my life and I often wondered if Heavenly Father was aware of me. Why would he want to care what was happening in my life? Now, I find it cute when the primary children sing it, but when it is performed as a duet, particularly by adult singers--I find it hard to control my emotions. Even today, there are times when I feel alone. Not as alone as I felt all those years ago (when even the birds made me angry), but I still have those days.
Bryson then approached the pulpit and thanked everyone for their support and explained how He and Jenn had struggled to determine what direction to go in their lives, rather than continue living with family. He acknowledged that many had opinions about them living with family. Bryson acknowledged that they probably should be out on their own, it was logical. Yet he turned down job offers, or accepted job offers and then felt it wasn't right. He and Jenn prayed frequently about this and sought Heavenly Father's guidance. Bryson called Jenn his backbone and then shamed those who did not know her, yet judged them for decisions they were making. "Shame on you. Shame on you!" he said.
Following the service, we were led on a procession to a small cemetery that sits atop a hill with a gorgeous view. Jenn's grave was toward the far side of the cemetery and next to a maintenance shed. When we arrived, I noticed that the dirt from the grave was piled close to it. People were standing around, looking as if they did not know what to do. Finally, the mortician called the pall bearers to his little van to remove the casket. They brought the casket down to the grave site and set it on the ground. There were no blankets or brass rails to set her on, only the ground.
I saw Jenn's mother and father, her mother was now letting down her guard. I went to her and hugged her again. Then I placed my forehead to her forehead and told her that I have five daughters of my own, and I cannot imagine the pain this would cause. Another person took her into a hug at that time and The OsmOne and I introduced ourselves to Jenn's father. He did not realize who we were and the connection to Tigger now made sense. Jenn really liked Tigger, I told him that she has some big shoes to fill, now that she is the lone sister amongst the Shira boys. Tigger and the Actor will now become the "old fogies."
It was announced that the pall bearers needed to gather in order to lower the casket into the grave. I noticed Bryson standing next to his mother, both of them avoiding touch. That is how I am. But I went to Bryson and stood next to him, taking his arm. I asked if he chose Jenn's casket and was informed that his friend, who had helped pay for his mission, had made it. Wow! What a kind service. I thought it was beautiful! The pall bearers did not seem to know how this worked, but they were able to lower her into the grave, a small thump announcing her arrival. Once again, Jenn was left on the dirt.
The crowd slowly dissipated, but I watched a small child approach the open grave. An older gentleman came behind the child, squatted down beside him, and wrapped his arms around him. The child leaned back into the man. The proceeded to explain that Sage's mommy was down in the grave and would be able to get her body back when Jesus comes again. Then he proceeded to explain to the child that the body and spirit are two separate things and that her spirit was now with Jesus. However, his method of describing this to the child was to state that it is like getting your hair cut. (Check out the Panic Room for my reality check) At that point, The OsmOne joined me in exploring the tiny cemetery and gathering pine cones. I really enjoyed spending this weekend with the OsmOne. We were able to be together without interruption and had a lot of conversations regarding a lot of different subjects. Of course, even as we drove home the next day I was still trying to process this young lady's demise.
As we traveled the next day, we stopped for gas and I bought a small car deodorizer which was a daisy chain. Daisies always make me happy; in fact I like receiving them better than roses! They seem to bring the sunshine with them!! I also found a single red rose that had the petals made from red feathers. It was really cute. Then I bought some tape to attach these items to the Mile Marker identified as the accident site. I was thinking how it would feel to drive through this point after having been in this accident. I imagined Bryson opening the windows of his car, and letting a handful of daisy petals fly away in the wind, acknowledging his sweetheart's flight from the same place.
We slowed and pulled off of the road. It was dark now. I pointed the headlights at the marker and turned on our flashers. There were no vehicles at that moment, but I noticed that when they came, they moved to the inside lane--away from us. The OsmOne exited the passenger side (YES I still had to drive.) and scratched his leg. I thought he was going to leave the door open, but he was able to shut it against the wind. I watched as he wrapped the tape around the flowers and the pole, wrapping and wrapping in hopes that the wind would allow it to stay for a little while.
I was aware of a scent but couldn't place what it was I was smelling until the OsmOne opened the door again. I was smelling sagebrush. As we left the site, I told Brian of this experience and found it interesting that the smell was so strong at this place and the Bryson and Jenn had chosen to name their little girl Sage. I connect the strangest things in my Brain.
During the week that followed the funeral, posts were placed on FaceBook regarding a charitable fund set up for Bryson and the children. Every few days there was a new post. I do not know how many people or how much money they raised, but for some reason it bothered me how often posts were being made. I can imagine that it was helpful in some way for those who were posting, but my mind suddenly was suspicious about begging for money.
I turned to several sources to read thoughts about death and how those of us left behind have to return to the daily art of living. I go back to my daily routines, but know that Bryson, Sage, and Ryden will not be able to return to a "before." I worry about Bryson and his little charges.
This is the best information I found that made me think more positively. It is by Merrill J. Bateman from an address given in general conference April 1, 1995. He attended the funeral of a young man and discussed the lessons we can learn from Death in Healing our Hearts. I include a part of it here:
In reflecting on the accident, I have thought about the lessons taught by death—particularly the death of a loved one. The first lesson is that life is short whether one dies at seventeen or at eighty. To a seventeen-year-old, eighty years seems like an eternity. But to a seventy-year-old, eighty years is not a long probationary period.
Second, death reminds us that there is a spirit in man. As we viewed the remains of our young friend, it was obvious that more than blood had left his body. The light of his spirit no longer animated his facial expression or twinkled in his eyes. He, too, had given up the ghost, but at a tender, young age.
Another lesson taught by death concerns the importance of eternal families. Just as there are parents to greet a newborn on earth, the scriptures teach that caring family members greet the spirits in paradise and assist them in the adjustments to a new life (see Gen. 25:8; Gen. 35:29; Gen. 49:33). While I was standing before the casket, the thought came that separation was not only a shock for the parents, but also for the young man as he suddenly found himself on the other side of the veil. I suspect that he would like to tell his parents once more how much he loves them. Brothers and sisters, heaven only exists if families are eternal.
A fourth lesson, and perhaps the most important, concerns the purpose of life. To be meaningful, life must be more than the ephemeral pleasures of youth. There must be a plan. Death, even if accidental, must be part of the plan. Developing faith in and coming to know one’s Maker is at the core of the plan. Having hope with regard to one’s eternal destiny and experiencing joy must also be part of life’s purpose.
Death teaches that we do not experience a fullness of joy in mortality and that everlasting joy can be achieved only with the assistance of the Master (see D&C 93:33–34). Just as the lame man at the pool of Bethesda needed someone stronger than himself to be healed (see John 5:1–9), so we are dependent on the miracles of Christ’s atonement if our souls are to be made whole from grief, sorrow, and sin. If grieving parents and loved ones have faith in the Savior and his plan, death’s sting is softened as Jesus bears the believers’ grief and comforts them through the Holy Spirit. Through Christ, broken hearts are mended and peace replaces anxiety and sorrow. Last week I received a letter from the boy’s parents telling me the peace they have found through their faith in Christ. They know that they will see their son again and be with him in the eternities. As Isaiah stated concerning the Savior, “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: … And with his stripes we are healed” (Isa. 53:4–5).
...The Savior’s atonement in the garden and on the cross is intimate as well as infinite. Infinite in that it spans the eternities. Intimate in that the Savior felt each person’s pains, sufferings, and sicknesses. Consequently, he knows how to carry our sorrows and relieve our burdens that we might be healed from within, made whole persons, and receive everlasting joy in his kingdom.Am I through with this process? No. I occassionally reflect on how quickly everything occurred and recognize that someday it will be my sweetheart, or my daughter, or myself who finds the spirit suddenly freed from the confines of mortality. I hope it is as soft as daisy petals in the wind...
