AN OLD TRAINING

 My education focused on Family Systems, which explores how each family member interacts with other members of the family. When I trained potential foster parents, I often used the analogy that when you become a couple, it is fairly easy to manage the needs of each person. I demonstrated this by placing a rubber band around two fingers of a couple sitting at the front table. 

One-by-one, I added "family members" by including other participants from the front table. Eventually, there would be five or six  people holding on to the rubber band. Without stretching it, this is a model of what the family is like when there is no stress. Everyone knows their place and they know how to adjust their finger on the rubber band to remove any extra tension or pain. This is called the family’s neutral state, or homeostasis.

 It is very tricky  to maintain this state of calm, if too much tension is placed on the band by one or all of the members, it will split and tear apart. But if there is not enough tension on the band, it will slip and the family members will no longer be united; but strive for individual wants and needs.  

Sometimes the unity band is slack, as seen in the photo at right. This may apply to a couple who is newly married. Their committment to each other has not been strained yet, and children have not yet been introduce to their family.

Sometimes, family unity is too constraining for some members of the family. This is was shown by using a smaller rubber band, but attempting to have the same number of people. As you can see in the last photo, the pinkie finger is barely maintaining it's place within the family. This is often seen when children reach adolescence. They want to be part of the family, but they hang at the edge, hoping for freedom.

 This same analogy is great for exploring how change impacts the family. Change is worked through at different levels by each person in the family and the family must make adjustments to maintain the homeostasis. For example, Dad's new job will take him 30 minutes longer in the afternoon to commute home. Previously, Dad picked up child A from school, while Mom took  child B to piano lessons. Mom cannot be in two places at the same time, so the family will need to compromise on how the afternoon is going to be handled. Child A still needs to be picked up from school, unless child A is old enough to walk home. Child B can still take piano lessons if it is moved to a different time. But--can Child B accomplish all of her homework if her piano lessons occur later in the afternoon? Is Child A willing to walk home from school so Child B can maintain the current piano schedule?  Piano may be the only activity Child B loves to participate in, while Child A is frightened of the bully who would be walking home at the same time you are asking her to. Do you think it matters what the children want? 

While this scenario appears to be a minor decision for the adults in the family, the tension of the unity band is strangling each of the children. The parents would be wise to consider the children's feelings about their afternoon schedules.