DID YOU SEE THAT?

photo by google images

Sometimes my friends experience difficult times in their marriages and I find myself being a sounding board for them. No advice is really necessary but sometimes it helps to have an older woman to vent to. Perhaps point out a different perspective. I think women in general do this for each other, no matter what our relationships are to each other.

One friend shared a very private indiscretion with me a long time ago. She recognized her mistake on her own and made arrangements with her bishop to return to the correct path of  choices that she knew to be right. Unfortunately her husband never saw the circumstances as an opportunity to improve their relationship and instead used the indiscretion as an excuse for various behaviors that he chose to act on. In his mind, nothing he did reached the level of offensiveness that my friend's mistake had. Granted, what my friend had done was very disappointing, but not completely surprising considering the status of her relationship at that time in her marriage. For several years the couple attended various therapists and tried different therapeutic methods to return to the path they embarked on many years ago. But each time the possibility of him having a role in their circumstances was questioned, therapy suddenly wasn't working anymore and he no longer wanted to be involved.

The issue of trust seemed to be larger than life between my friend and her husband. No matter how hard she tried to reduce the level of suspicion for both of them, her husband felt it wasn't fair. Why should he be limited on who his friends were on FB if he isn't the one who was inappropriate???? He never understood that he was as vulnerable as his wife in making mistakes.

They began to spend separate time away from each other; he taking vacation with his friends and she enjoying beaches with her friends. But the lifestyle was expensive and financial shifts had to be made in order to allow for their get aways. For a long time, my friend suspected that her husband was meeting up with old girlfriends or possibly new women while he was away. He continuously refused and again insisted that even if he had, what he was doing was nothing compared to what she had done so many years ago. Too many secrets to keep secret. Hiding his friendships under fake names on FB. Hiding phone numbers under fake ids in his phone. An accidental (or maybe it wasn't an accident at all) misplacement of his phone when he embarked on his most recent get away under the guise of skiing with his buddies exposed what he was really involved in. I think that seeing the breasts of another woman whom her husband insisted he was not having an emotional relationship with,  kinda blew the lid off the facade. Granted, my friend's immediate reaction caused more heartache, but her husband's inability to acknowledge that anything inappropriate ever occurred is very disheartening.

I was with them when they kneeled across from each other in the temple and made promises that were intended to lead them into the eternities as a family. The marriage never became the celestial marriage that my friend dreamed of. Instead, he became a strict disciplinarian to their oldest son leaving that child with a shattered life behind locked doors. He became very controlling about what my friend wore, going so far as to identify what outfit she should wear each day. I shared with her that this was truly when a red flag flashed in the back of my mind regarding the potential for domestic violence. The clothing was not conducive to wearing the garments they received in the temple.  Eventually, they would leave our area of influence pulling my friend into an isolated lonely setting. His expressions of anger were no longer limited to yelling, but property damage was frequently a part of their arguments. His occasional drinking became routine and he frequently became drunk and flirtatious to an embarrassing degree.

But an unforgiveable disgression had occurred years ago and he is unable to accept the repentance efforts of his wife. The blame consistently goes back to the "original sin". As though marriage is a tit-for-tat score sheet where if she does this, then I can do that. My marriage has never worked that way. Except once.

One time I used the expense of the OSM ONE's lawn mower to justify the purchase of furniture. That was a tit-for-tat. Immature. The OSM ONE recently reminded me of this incident and although it was not financially the right thing to do, he agreed to the purchase because he wanted me to be happy. He did not want any contention between us. You see how that worked? My feelings were more important than his feelings.  He constantly considers others before making decisions--even if their happiness causes discomfort for him. I think the OSM ONE is the best I have ever encountered at providing selfless service to his family as well as others. He guides us with gentleness, never demanding but instead providing an example.

I am sure I could step up my enthusiasm to keep house or make meals or actually stay out of our bedroom before 7:00 PM, but I have never felt pressured to change anything about myself. My friend deserves to have that kind of love expressed in her home too and I hope that despite the bitter taste of marriage she has experienced, she will eventually be blessed to have a man who unselfishly thinks of others around him rather than selfishly manipulating the world to satisfy his own desires.