SISTER HILL'S LECTURES

http://www.lds.org/ensign/2001/03/dont-let-negativism-ruin-your-marriage?lang=eng&query="four+horsemen"
Ensign
Mar. 2001 Don’t Let Negativism Ruin Your
By Terry Baker
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 Many, many years ago...when I was in college I took a class entitled Marriage and Family Relations. It was a required class in my area of study and at the time I had about 15 years of marriage under my belly. I thought it would be an easy class and an easy A, but I was wrong. The professor was Dr. Robert Stahman and he introduced our class to Dr. John Gottman from the University of Washington. Gottman is a well known researcher in the area of marriage and how relationships function. In fact, Dr. Gottman operated a "Love Lab." Sounded like a scary concept to me! Married couples were willing to live within a lab and be the rats while cameras recorded everything (well, most everything). The focus was on the conversations and disagreements that would come up. What started a couple's disagreements and how did they resolve the conflict?

Gottman's book What Makes Marriages Succeed or Fail? identified what was referred to as "the four horsemen of the apocalypse." Chapter 6 of Revelations speaks of four horsemen who usher in destruction as judgement upon the world. (If you’re not familiar with Biblical references, the Four Horsemen are a metaphor for conquest, war, hunger, and death associated with the end times.)

 

CRITICISM = Conquest

Revelations 6:2 "And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer."

Definition of Criticism = 1) act of criticizing: a spoken or written opinion or judgment of what is wrong or bad about somebody or something

2) disapproval: spoken or written opinions that point out one or more faults of somebody or something

Definition of Conquest = 1) the act or state of conquering or the state of being conquered ; vanquishment.

Definition of Vanquish  = 1) to conquer or subdue by superior force, as in battle.

2) to defeat in any contest or conflict; be victorious over: to vanquish one's opponent in an argument.

3) to overcome or overpower: He vanquished all his fears.

sooo...Criticism leads to Conquest

Notice how the definitions of criticism, conquest, and vanquish all imply the existence of a superior and an inferior. To conquer or defeat another nation, one must believe in a superior purpose. Therefore, the use of criticism also implies one is greater than another. Whether used in a marriage relationship, a parent-child relationship, a teacher-student relationship or the employer-employee relationship; the act of criticizing another being will itself bring the same judgement upon yourself. Particularly important within the family. Not only between parents, between parent and child, but also between siblings.

Blaming is usually the basis of criticism. Human tendency is to focus on HOW someone irritates us rather than the situation. This is where all the training about using "I" statement comes into play. Ohhh how I remember trying to ingrain this into my own children!! It isn't Karen that you hate, it is what Karen is doing that you hate. Always works better to focus on the situation, rather than the person!

For example, this is a critical statement: "You always drive around in circles. You are an awful driver with a terrible sense of direction." These words are dripping with blame and accusation. They are a personal attack. Complaining has more to do with how the other person's behavior makes you feel. Complaining usually begins with an "I" instead of "you": "I get so frustrated when you are driving and don't know where you are going." See the difference? The second statement is a negative comment about something you wish were otherwise. So though "I" statements can seem awkward, they really help keep the carnage out of your relationship, whether with your spouse or with your children. Criticisms creep in when complaints are ignored so one must be very cautious when hearing the same complaint over and over. Before long - it will become a personal attack at the expense of both players. Complaining is benign, Criticism is deadly.

CONTEMPT = War

Revelations 6:4 "And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword".

Definition of Contempt = 1)  the feeling with which a person regards anything considered mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn. 2) the state of being despised; dishonor; disgrace.

Definition of War = 1) a conflict carried on by force of arms, as between nations or between parties within a nation; warfare, as by land, sea, or air. 2) a state or period of armed hostility or active military operations: The two nations were at war with each other. 3) a contest carried on by force of arms, as in a series of battles or campaigns: the War of 1812. 4) active hostility or contention; conflict; contest: a war of words. 5) aggressive business conflict, as through severe price cutting in the same industry or any other means of undermining competitors: a fare war among airlines; a trade war between nations.

soooo...Contempt can lead one to War

Again we see the image of judgement. As one nation begins to criticize another nation, feelings are manipulated until one or the other begins to feel contempt. If contempt has entered a relationship between two nations and cannot be overcome, the two nations will hash out their differences in war. But war does not just effect two, it can effect entire nations of people. Within a family, when contempt occurs between mother and father, the children become victims as well. Taking the argument into the "bedroom" and away from the ears of your children does not protect the children from the ravages of war. The animosity that exists within the household environment is felt. It may be felt as a "cold war" but the impact of war is a loss of trust. Not only between the parents, but between the parents and their children. This can also lead to contempt between siblings if they become split between whether mom is right or dad is right.  How does a family return from the brink of war?

DEFENSIVENESS-Hunger

Revelations 6: 5,6 "And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand. 6 And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine".

Definition of Defensiveness = 1) quick to justify: aiming to deflect or avoid perceived criticism 2) serving to protect: designed for protection or defense 3) favoring defense as playing strategy: concentrating more on preventing an opponent from gaining an advantage than on scoring

Definition of Hunger = 1) a compelling need or desire for food. 2) the painful sensation or state of weakness caused by the need of food: to collapse from hunger. 3) a shortage of food; famine. 4) a strong or compelling desire or craving: hunger for power.

This is a more difficult challenge. Most of us recognize when another person  is being defensive about something. If it is so easy to recognize in others, what prevents us from recognizing it when we are doing it? (Pride?) As I looked at the definition of hunger, I realized it is a very mortal state of being. It is distracting when experienced. And it is selfish when focused on. Using these descriptive words and placing them within the context of a disagreement between spouses, I feel they work. Took me a while to see it, but if we are defensive, we are focusing on our own needs, to justify our own behaviors or speech, and feelings. We are not listening, we feel no empathy toward another's feelings, we are only thinking of how to get that 'hunger' satisfied.

The non-defensive person is always aware when their partner, boss, parent, or friend becomes defensive. WE know that no matter what we say beyond that point, it will not be heard. A wall of defensive mechanisms has been erected around the other person and no matter how hard we try to break through, it only hurts us further.

Defensively trying to clarify what you really meant, or smooth over what happened is not going to be met with good feelings. I believe the most important aspect of any relatonship is empathy. Place yourself behind their vision and emotions and see if you would not also react the same way. Admit when you are wrong, be humble and apologize, acknowledge feelings that are hurt. Listen, without planning what your own argument will be. Again, although this is important in a marriage, it is also important between parent and child. Just because you are bigger than, or smarter than, or better versed than another does not make YOU right and THEM wrong. A relationship consists of WE. Until you are able to communicate TOGETHER the relationship remains in embrio.

STONEWALLING-death

Revelations 6:8 "And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with a sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth".

Definition of Stonewall = 1) To engage in delaying tactics; stall: "stonewalling for time in order to close the missile gap" (James Reston). 2) To refuse to answer or cooperate.

Definition of Death = 1) the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. Compare brain death. 2) an instance of this: a death in the family; letters published after his death. 3) the state of being dead: to lie still in death. 4. extinction; destruction: It will mean the death of our hopes. 5. manner of dying: a hero's death.

"Stonewalling can cause a slow, passive death within a relationship. It is, in effect, giving up. It is withdrawing emotionally. It is essentially closing the door to a resolution. Stonewallers withdraw partly because they can feel overwhelmed with emotion. They may keep their faces expressionless, avoid eye contact, hold their posture rigid, avoid any signs of listening such as nodding or encouraging sounds. They radiate icy distance and disapproval to their partners."

If I am overwhelmed with the discussion and feel too emotionally fragile, I can call a time out for 15 minutes. This is not stonewalling, if both parties agree to continue the conversation in 15 minutes. Stonewalling leaves one with the same feeling as when you receive the answer, "No, because I said so." There is no further discussion or hope of resolving the matter. When one is stonewalling, ignoring, avoiding, or any other word you may choose to fill in, they again have entered the arena of selfishness and pride. 

DON'T ATTACK. DON'T DEFEND. DON'T WITHDRAW.

One key point made above is that of detaching from the outcome of a discussion at the beginning. When you are fixed on what decision you should be making as a couple, you make yourself right and your spouse wrong. Unity between the two of you is disrupted.

When you take this position at the beginning of a discussion, it also does not allow room for creativity, new ideas, and God-guided insights to emerge. We can never know what will emerge when ideas bump against each other, new ideas are sparked, or new solutions arise. Excellent discussions often lead to something entirely new being created. All of which is guaranteed to make both of your hearts very happy!

"The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love. The ideal God holds for us is to form families in the way most likely to lead to happiness and away from sorrow.” henry b. eyering


The Secret to Fighting Fair

Now that you know the four horsemen, make a conscious effort to keep them in the stable before they trample your marriage. One of the best ways to do this is to make "repair attempts" during your next argument. According to Gottman, repair attempts are any words or actions that prevent a conflict from escalating out of control. As simple as it sounds, repair attempts keep a marriage from becoming negative, hostile and distant.

Repair attempts can be as basic as changing the topic, giving a compliment, apologizing or saying, "I've been cranky all day, can we start over?" It can be as simple as saying, "Don't worry, we'll get through this" or cracking a joke to diffuse tension. Research even shows couples who touch during arguments also tend to show higher relationship satisfaction. Do whatever works for you when conflict rears its ugly head.

Remember, the more entrenched the negative patterns of behavior in your marriage become, the more difficult it becomes to break them. Don't become a victim of these negative cycles. When two mature people can take ownership and be flexible, they will keep their marriage strong even though they may not always agree. As a Scottish proverb says, "Better bend than break."